I know this month marks the beginning of a new year, new century, new millennium and all that. Many of you are celebrating your own new beginnings, with the birth of a child, a relationship, perhaps a new career. Some of you, though, aren’t celebrating at all. Some of you are hurting, terribly, as you adjust to the endings brought about by divorce. Divorce is always hard. When the world around you is caught up in celebration, it seems like a particularly cruel joke.

But it’s not a joke. It hits like a sudden storm that threatens to destroy the very foundation of your existence. It doesn’t matter who made the actual decision or how long you’ve been married. Its’ reality sucks the very wind out of your lungs. You can barely stand under the sheer enormity of what you are facing. “How will we ever make it without him?” “How can I live without her?” “How can I do this to them?” “What will happen to us now?” Questions like these chase themselves around and around in your mind, leaving fear and confusion in their wake.

After talking with many hurting people over the years, I’ve learned to expect the shock families experience when the words are first spoken aloud. Some marriages die quietly. More often there is outrage and despair. Small children are frightened. Teenagers and young adults are angry. Parents struggle with guilt. Everyone hurts.

But wait. Breathe. Rest. Think.

The death of a marriage can make you feel powerless- but there is much you can do. Some suggestions:

1. Lean on others. Tell friends and family what’s going on. You don’t have to share the details about what and why, only that you are hurting. Ask for extra help with errands or childcare for a while. If hugs help, accept them. If not, kindly explain that you need a little more space right now.

2. Seek counsel. You may need legal advice, true, but you will also need your physician’s help with the physical symptoms of stress. Share spiritual or religious concerns with your pastor. Talk with a counselor to help sort through all those tangled up feelings. You may want to see your banker, tax advisor or CPA about financial options.

3. Look after the children. You are divorcing each other- not them. Yes, you’re hurt and angry, and the last person you want to see may be your child’s other parent. This time, however, your feelings cannot come first. All children need the very best of BOTH of you, regardless of where they sleep at night. I cannot emphasize this enough. Protect their routine as much as you can.

Work together for their sake.

Alert teachers so they can watch for changes in school performance. Call your pediatrician with concerns about appetite, significant behavior changes or trouble sleeping. If needed, provide your children with a counselor who’s trained in helping kids express feelings about things that trouble them.

4. Consider mediation. If divorce is inevitable, a mediator can help you both through the process. It’s cheaper, faster and much less adversarial than a court fight. It won’t work in all cases, but it’s worth exploring as an option. Check the yellow pages for a mediator in your area.

Above all, know that the sheer intensity of the pain will ease. Somehow, the sun will still find its’ way to the heavens. You, too, will find your way through to this new life, yet unknown, but full of possibility.

Wendy Pitts Reeves, LCSW is a therapist and mediator at Cove Mountain Counseling in Maryville. She helps families coping with divorce, and offers mediation to couples who want to create their own plan. She can be reached at (865) 681-2869, or wpreeves@bellsouth.net.