“I love you a whole lot but I really don’t want to be with you right now…” I was mad, and I was out of there. My new husband would just have to fend for himself awhile. I spoke enough German to get by. He didn’t. Not my problem. “I’ll be back in a couple of hours,” I said, and left him standing on the sidewalk.

We were on our honeymoon in the middle of Switzerland. That was our first real fight, and our first lesson about making a marriage work: sometimes you need a time out.

Marriages are incredibly fragile, whether brand new or forty years into the making. In fact I’m amazed, knowing what it takes, that any of us ever make it. As a therapist, however, and as a spouse, I’ve learned the odds improve with the presence of certain components, all necessary for strong, healthy marriages.

Companionship. When love begins you’re obsessed with being together every waking moment. That changes, however, as your relationship matures. You will definitely NOT want to be together every waking moment. Instead, you learn to work together as equals, sharing jointly in major decisions and life planning, as passion evolves into partnership. You keep each other company during hard times, great times, and ordinary times as well.

Compassion. Such partnership requires the presence of compassion and genuine respect. Having compassion is caring how your spouse feels, whether or not you feel the same. Respect is that quality of holding them in highest regard as persons, valuing their ideas and feelings as equal to yours in importance.

You may worry about completely different things, and you won’t always understand each other’s concerns. They must matter to you nonetheless. And though you will be amazingly angry at this one you love, you must treat each other with absolute respect--even in anger, always.

Communication. It’s not a cliché. The most common complaint in unhappy marriages really is about poor communication. Real communication is an art few couples practice. When that breaks down, couples aren’t talking about what matters in their world. Remember in the beginning how you could talk for hours about everything under the sun? When was the last time you did that? Communication is sitting together without children, television or other distractions, talking about funny things, future dreams and day to day life. Communication is talking about the hard stuff neither of you wants to discuss—money, fears, misunderstandings--until you resolve, and reconnect.

Commitment. This is your promise to stick it out on days you can’t stand one another. Like the lesson we learned on our honeymoon, there will be days when you really don’t like each other very much. On those days you may need, and should take, time outs. These breaks have an endpoint in a few minutes or hours; they are not separations. Your commitment was a promise that, beyond that occasional break, you’re not going anywhere, no matter how rough things might be at the moment. When the seas get rough, you hold on. You don’t jump ship.

Comedy. Marriage is hard and relationships are serious business. I don’t think any marriage can make it without a steady dose of laughter and outright silliness. Have you had a tickling match lately?

There are still days when my husband and I drive each other absolutely nuts. After eighteen years, though, he is my partner, my comfort, and the one I want at my side when things are rough.

Marriage is the toughest job you’ll ever love, but the rewards are worth the effort.

Wendy Pitts Reeves, a licensed clinical social worker, can be reached at 681-2869 or by email at wpreeves@bellsouth.net.