The holiday season is upon us, coming faster this year than ever. This time of year has us thinking about getting together with family members; remembering Christmases and Thanksgivings past; and looking forward to the feeling of togetherness and love that this season is all about.

Unfortunately, for many people, the anticipation of a time of family togetherness can only be a fantasy. Not everyone grows up in a loving home. Few people acknowledge that this time of year, but it is painfully true. For many people, there is no "family togetherness" possible.

If you grew up with physical, sexual or emotional abuse, the idea of getting together with people who have hurt you is usually not a welcome one. If you grew up or still live in an alcoholic family, holiday "cheer" can become a nightmare. Families split by bitter divorces make for divided loyalties, and decisions about where to go for the holidays become very difficult. Rivalries and conflicts with family members may make holiday gatherings tense and uncomfortable.

How, then, can you celebrate the meaning of the season without sacrificing your sanity? If "family togetherness" brings more stress, or even trauma, to your life, consider developing different, healthier traditions. First, think about the real meaning of the season and how you can celebrate by yourself or with others who are more in tune with you and your values. Choose to be around positive people. Next, think about what you have to be thankful for. It might be something as basic as the fact that you actually survived a terrible situation. You may be thankful for good friends or a supportive spouse. One way to honor the season is to remember people who have touched your life and made a difference. It might be a friend, teacher, neighbor or boss. Consider writing them a note or calling them to let them know they have affected your life in a positive way.

Finally, in the spirit of the new beginnings of Christmas and New Year's, look ahead. Don't dwell on how bad things have been in your life-concentrate on how you have survived, and how you are changing your life to make things better for yourself. Ask yourself "What do I look forward to today?" "What am I grateful for?" "What am I going to do to make today better than yesterday?"

While it is true that bad experiences can affect our lives, they don't have to affect us for a lifetime. We can take small steps to move beyond the pain. We can move toward the future instead of dwelling in the past. As you move toward the new millennium, ask yourself, "What small step can I take today to move beyond the pain of the past into a better future?" And listen for the answer. It can guide the way.

Dr. Linda Pucci is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Maryville. She has 21 years of experience providing counseling and psychotherapy to children, adolescents, adults, and families. She can be reached at 865-983-7544 or through www.covemountaincounseling.com.

Copyright ©1999 Linda Pucci.