Do you have a daughter? Then you should read this.

We’ve all read with horror the news of violence in high schools across our country. The stories have mostly been about young men who somehow break, spilling their pain all over their families and classmates in a fit of rage. We wonder what has driven them to this point, what has hurt them so deeply that they’ve hurt others in such dramatic and terrible ways.

What hasn’t been in the news is the quieter violence experienced daily by young girls across the U.S. Starting around 5th or 6th grade, girls begin experiencing taunts and verbal cruelties with strongly sexual overtones. As they move up through high school, many are sexually harassed, verbally and physically assaulted, sometimes even raped, as part of their everyday experience at school. One study (Commonwealth Fund, 1997) showed that of girls in grades 5-8, nine percent report experiencing physical abuse and seven percent experience sexual abuse. Among high schoolers, fully twenty-six percent, one in four, report physical abuse, sexual abuse or date-forced sex.

Younger girls are often shocked and may talk about these events when they first happen. As they get older, though, they’re more likely to keep it to themselves, cringing inside while laughing it off in front of their friends. The real tragedy is this: by their mid-teens, they no longer recognize these behaviors as abusive. What used to feel wrong has become normalized. As one young woman said, “What can you do about it? That’s just the way guys are.”

We want to believe this doesn’t happen here. Yet we’ve learned that Blount County is not immune to the effects of an angrier, and often sexualized, society. I’ve spoken with girls from every high school here and several schools in surrounding counties. It happens everywhere. It happens here. It happens at your daughter’s school.

Besides taunting, grabbing, pinching and even hitting, the language of youth has changed. This is not news. Every generation develops their own words and ways of communicating. What is news, is that what you’ll hear today in any high school cafeteria is harsh, blatantly sexual, and almost always demeaning to females. I can’t give you examples, because the words required are unprintable. I can tell you that the effect of such talk on a girl’s self image is slow, invisible, and devastating. Like the power of water to carve canyons from rock, so is the power of language.

Without help, many girls arrive at young adulthood burned out, used up, cynical and accustomed to abuse. They see themselves as usual and expected targets of treatment they feel helpless to stop. We must help.

Listen closely when your daughter talks about school or talks with her friends. Offer to drive the carpool and you’ll hear more than you expect about their daily lives. Make it your business to know her friends, male and female, and their parents. Don’t be afraid to ask questions if you sense that she’s worried. Teach her how to protect herself physically and verbally. Find books, magazines, and websites that project girls in a strong and positive light. (Two excellent examples are the magazines New Moon: The Magazine for Girls and Their Dreams, and Teen Voices: Because You’re More Than Just a Pretty Face, both of which also have websites.) Most importantly, set a powerful example in your own relationships by treating others with respect, and expecting the same in return.

And while you’re at it, remember to teach your sons, as well.

Wendy Pitts Reeves, L.C.S.W., is a Clinical Social Worker and Rule 31 Mediator with Cove Mountain Counseling in Maryville. She can be reached at 681-2869, or by email at wpreeves@bellsouth.net.